Pain ~ Appointments ~ Life

September 2 -  I go for my approx. 6 month check up with Dr. Mahood. The pain these last few days has been very prominent, my head is swimming, my hips feel like they are encased in concrete, everything seems like a chore, and all of this is coupled with exhaustion. I am beyond surface tired and I feel like the exhaustion is running straight to my bones. It is at moments of physical exhaustion that my emotions loss control. I am convinced that the fusion must have failed - why else would the pain be so consistent. It is like a permanent dull ache that goes through every inch of my body. I sometimes sit back and wonder if the surgery was worth it; however, at the degree's I was at and the rate of progression the surgery wasn't really debatable.

It is evident that my emotions are strongly tied to my physical health. I find myself crumbling as soon as the pain kicks in. I have always been an over-researcher when it comes to any ailment or just anything that I happen to question (which is almost everything). Let's just say Google Scholar is my best friend. Interestingly enough, spinal fusion and fatigue go hand in hand even for years post surgery and this chronic fatigue can lead to bouts of depression. Now I am very grateful that I am not prone to depression; however, I have felt it knocking on my door this last week. Sadly, many of the symptoms of depression are isolation, more fatigue, lack of motivation etc... which means that the things in life like friends and laughter which can break the depression are the exact things you begin to avoid. If only my cat was a strong enough source of happiness to bring joy everyday then I would never have to experience these moods.

This may be something I will have to learn to live with for the meantime while striving to find the best way to stay strong and smile through the bad days. In the meantime heating pads, painkillers, my kitten, and tea will be my best friends.